


Another Kid in The System

by child_of_the_fandoms



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Dysphoria, FTM, Fluff, Foster Care, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Trans Male Character, What Have I Done, foster dad lin, good dad lin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 19:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8414581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/child_of_the_fandoms/pseuds/child_of_the_fandoms
Summary: Alex Hamilton is just another kid in the system. The only thing that keeps him sane is Hamilton: An American Musical, so his life takes quite a turn when his new foster father is Lin Manuel Miranda.Updates every Friday! (most of the time)





	1. It's Already Done

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter will be short, I promise they'll get longer.

_I am not throwing away my shot._  
_I am not throwing away my shot._  
_Hey yo, I'm just like my country,_  
_I'm young scrappy and hungry and_  
_I am not throwing away my shot!_

Alex shut his eyes and hummed along to the words. Musicals were the only thing that could drown out the near-constant shouting, and he particularly enjoyed  _Hamilton_. This was partially because of its pure genius, and partially because Alex Hamilton shared a name with the prominent historical figure. Well, almost shared a name.

"Alexandra! Get down here!" A harsh voice cut through Alex's thoughts. _Shit_. He dragged himself from the stiff bed and nervously trodded downstairs . He was greeted by his red-faced enraged foster father, whose shaking hand held up a roll of ace bandages that had been most likely found under the sink. Immediately, panic began to engulf Alex. Not again. This couldn't be happening again. He had been in this placement for a few months, and although it wasn't ideal, the abuse was only verbal. Getting sent away again could mean a much, much, worse situation. Unfortunately, like most facets of his life, Alex had no control.

"I- I can explain—" Alex started, but he was cut off.

"I've already called CPA. Martha is on her way. I won't have a tranny living under my roof."  _Ouch._ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~That one hit hard. Alex's knees felt wobbly, and his hands were sweaty and shaking.

"Please don't..."

"Its already done."  
  
With that, Alex stumbled back to his room, slammed the door, and began to cry. At first, the tears were only for fear of being beaten again, but soon he cried because of more than that. He sobbed over his mother that died in his arms. His father that left. His cousin whose body Alex had found hanging. The hurricane that ripped apart his home. The body that wasn't his. Alex cried because he didn't have the courage to kill himself, no matter how many times he tried.

About 20 or so minutes later, once Alex had composed himself, he tossed his meager belongings into the trash bag. There wasn't much to take: two pairs of jeans, a few shirts, a worn out jacket, and his most valuable item, an iPod shuffle loaded with _Hamilton_ , _In The Heights_ , _Rent_ , and _Les Miserables_. Using a week of salary, mother gave that iPod to him when he was nine, and since they couldn't afford the music, Alex soon discovered the wonders of piracy.

Suddenly, there was a knock a the door. Panic welled in Alex's throat, but he shoved it down. He didn't want to show up to his next placement in a panic attack. Alex crept down the stairs to see Martha, his social worker. This would be the 14th time she picked him up in three years, which was kind of ironic, considering it was his 14th birthday (a holiday that was rarely, if ever, celebrated).

"Are you ready?" she asked with feigned sweetness.

"As I'll ever be," replied Alex sarcastically.

Martha placed a cold hand on his shoulder, "Okay then, let's go."

As the two walked out the front door, Alex glanced back into the house. He was met with a cold, hateful glare from his ex foster father. Yanking his head forward, Alex decided right then and there that he would not fuck up his next placement. No matter how bad the abuse was, he would simply keep his head down and stay quiet. And he would not, under any circumstances, let anyone find out his secret.

 

 

 

 


	2. Wait, I Get My Own Room?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex arrives at the Miranda household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Longer chapter! (kind of)

Martha Washington was, at heart, a good person. After all, she did spend her days putting orphans and abuse victims into foster homes. However, because she spent all day every day around troubled kids, she did not exactly exert an aura of kindness, a fact which Alex had become very aware of.

"So where am I headed to this time?" Alex asked, yanking out his earbuds. They had been in the car for 20 minutes now without a word being spoken by either party.

"Upper Manhattan," Martha replied sharply. _What in hell?_ Martha might not be nice, but she always at least gave Alex decent information about his next placement.

"Okay, can you tell me anything else? Name? How many other kids? Pets?"

Martha simply shrugged.

"Can you at least tell me whether its an apartment or a house?"

Another shrug.  
  
"What the hell Martha?" Alex was growing impatient, "Is this some sort of punishment for me getting kicked out again? Because I'm fairly sure that's not allowed!" Alex crossed his arms and huffed, turning to look out the window.

The silence dragged on until the car reached a red light. Pressing the brakes, Martha turned to face Alex.

"Alex, look at me." He reluctantly faced her. "You need to make this placement work."

 _Oh_. She just wanted to give him the usual spiel about "trying your hardest" and "not causing more problems than necessary." He turned back to the window.  
  
"Alexandra, I'm serious. You are about to have a shot at life. A real shot. Please don't throw it away," Alex scoffed at this. Foster kids didn't get shots to throw away. They didn't even get first chances, much less second ones. What they did get was beatings. And scars. And a loneliness so deep that it's hard to imagine what it feels like to not be lonely. Foster kids got all of these things and more. Even so, Martha's vague words made Alex curious. Where could he possibly be headed to that gave him a chance?

The rest of the ride was in a heavy silence. Martha stared intently ahead, while Alex shoved his earbuds in to distract himself.

Finally, the battered car came to a stop next to a large apartment complex. As Alex stepped out, Martha decided to actually tell him something.

"No other foster kids, a two year old boy, and a small dog," she said with a tight lipped smile. Okay, he could work with that. It generally got kind of awkward if the birth-kid could talk, but two was young enough. The dog he didn't mind either. The only issue was the lack of other foster kids. There would be no good witnesses to any abuse, meaning it could carry on for awhile without getting reported (which is exactly what happened in placement 11).  
Martha strutted towards the building, Alex a few feet behind her. The apartment they were headed to was fairly high up, so an elevator was necessary. When Alex stepped into the elevator, something strange happened. He felt a rush of adrenaline. That hadn't happened for at least two years. The excitement of having someone who actually cares; the hope of a new life had long since faded away. So why was he feeling it again? Alex decided to brush it off as Martha's odd vagueness.

But when Martha knocked on the door and it opened a few seconds later, Alex's jaw dropped to the floor, and he knew exactly what the adrenaline was for.

———

"Lin, are you ready?" Vanessa asked excitedly.

"For a foster kid named Alexandra Hamilton? I'm more excited for this than I was for opening night of In The Heights!" Lin exclaimed. He wasn't exaggerating either. He was feeling all the same emotions that he did right before a show opened, but double. He was nervous, excited, and a little scared, but more than anything else, Lin was happy. Happy that he was about to give a 14 year old girl a real shot at life.

Way back in August, Lin and Vanessa had decided that they wanted to become foster parents. Now, six months later, the day was finally here. When the couple received an email saying that a girl named "Alexandra Hamilton" was in need of a home, they said yes almost immediately. Their dream of helping out kids with nowhere else to go was finally becoming a reality.

Just then, there was a loud knock. Lin scrambled to the door, almost slipping due to his fuzzy socks. Vanessa calmly walked to the door and opened it. The couple was a faced with a tall woman and a scrappy, androgynous looking girl whose jaw had dropped to China.

"Hey! I'm Lin, and this is my wife Vanessa," he and Vanessa both shook Martha's hand, " and you must be Alexandra."

"Uh, just Alex is fine," she mumbled nervously, shaking Vanessa's hand, then Lin's. The girl still had a completely shocked expression on her face. Lin wondered if she knew of Hamilton or In The Heights. It would explain why she still hadn't stopped staring at him.

"Please, come in," Vanessa said kindly, right as Tobi decided to prance into the room. He yapped and ran around in circles, excited by the newcomers. Lin noticed a small smile on Alex's face as she gazed at the little dog. Vanessa led Martha and the teen into the kitchen; Lin followed. The four of them stood around the kitchen table.

"Lin, Vanessa, could I speak with you in private briefly?" asked Martha.

"Of course!" Vanessa and Lin said in unison. Alex took a seat at the table and rubbed Tobi's head. The adults stepped into the master bedroom.

"There are a few things I'd like to discuss with you," Martha said as she handed Alex's file to Lin.  
"Sure thing," Vanessa replied kindly.

"You see, Alexandra can be quite a handful. She's prone to outbursts, and has had problems with getting into fights at school. This will be her 14th placement in three years."

Rather than worrying Lin, this only made him feel sorry for the kid. She had been in 14 different houses in three years, so of course she would be angry. Lin said, "That won't be a problem. We intend to do everything in our power to give Alexander the best life possible."

———

Alex stared at his hands. This was not happening. No way. Not possible. He did not just get placed with _the_ Lin-Manuel Miranda. The same man whose music saved his life too many times to count. The same man that gave him hope where there was none. The same man that said, "Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside." There was just no way. And even if he wasn't dreaming, the chances of a kid like Alex lasting very long before getting kicked out were slim to none. There were too many things that could go wrong. Alex could accidentally yell at Lin, or he could get in a fight at school, or Lin could find out that he's trans. And although Alex knew that Lin wasn't homophobic, he had never publicly said anything about trans people. Life was probably just playing a really, really, really cruel joke.

Lin's voice interrupted Alex's internal freakout. "Hey, Alex, how would you like a tour of the place? I can show you your room, let you get everything set up," Lin said with a grin.

"Sure— wait, I get my own room?" Alex had never had his own room in a foster home before. Not once. He had always shared a room or slept on the couch.

"Yeah, of course!" replied Lin. He was still smiling, but there was something else in his eyes. Probably pity.

Lin led Alex through the apartment. It was pretty big, with two floors and four bedrooms. It wasn't the biggest place Alex had ever stayed in, but definitely the nicest. And not nicest as in most expensive and clean, but nicest as in most kind and welcoming. Which, oddly enough, only made his anxiety worse. If he fucked up, he would actually have something to lose. Alex fiddled with the sleeve of his old jacket, wondering how long he would last here.

"So there's Sebastian's room—he's napping right now— and here's your room! I hope you like it," Lin exclaimed. Alex shoved aside his anxiety, that was something to deal with later. Right now, he just wanted some rest. It had been a long day. Alex walked into the room and tossed his trash bag onto the bed, looking around. The room was nice. The walls had been painted blue, and there was a window with a beautiful view of Manhattan. There was even a dresser, desk, and closet, three things that he had never had before.

Alex turned to Lin, who gave him a look as if to say, _Is the room okay? Do you like it?_

"The room is great. Really. I can't thank you enough," Alex assured him honestly. There were so many more things that Alex wanted to say to Lin, but he stopped himself. Half because of his fear of fucking up, and half because of how tired he suddenly was, which Lin fortunately picked up on.

"Do you want to stay in here and rest for a little? I can come wake you up when dinner's ready."

"That would be great, thanks," replied Alex.

"No problem. We're excited to have you here, Alex," Lin said, then went back downstairs. Alex wasn't sure if he believed him. Nobody had ever been excited about his presence before, so why should they be now? Lin probably just wanted to be nice and secretly wished that he had gotten anyone but Alex. These were the thoughts that Alex fell asleep to on the most comfortable bed he had ever slept on.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More updates to come soon. Please leave comments, they make my day :).


	3. Beans and Rice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lin makes beans and rice, and Alex has a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: I wrote this chapter from 9:00 PM to 12:10 AM so it might not be very polished. Nevertheless, I don't think its a terrible chapter.

Alex was awoken from a fitful sleep by Vanessa gently knocking on his door.

"Alex, would you like some dinner? Lin made his famous beans and rice," she said with a smile. Alex would love nothing more than beans and rice, but he wasn't sure how much he could stomach. His last house hadn't given him much in the way of food, but he definitely wasn't going to tell them that. So he got out of bed and followed Vanessa downstairs.

"Hey! I hope you like Puerto Rican food, cause I made some of the most delicious beans and rice you will ever taste," Lin greeted. Alex couldn't help but laugh, 'cause 'beans and rice' is mentioned in In The Heights. He didn't know how much Lin actually liked the dish.

"I think that's the first you've laughed all day," Lin said as they all sat down around the table, with Sebastian in a high chair.

"Oh, its just that you talked about beans and rice in In The Heights. I didn't realize how much you liked it," Alex replied, hoping Lin wouldn't dislike that his foster kid was a fan of his.

"Wait, you've heard In The Heights? That's awesome! What about Hamilton?" he asked excitedly.

"Of course I've heard Hamilton! I know both of your musicals by heart. I've kinda been freaking out internally all day, 'cause you're like, my idol." Lin looked a little bit touched by this.

"Wow, that's really nice of you to say," Lin said. Suddenly, his face lit up with realization, "We are totally gonna have to sing some Hamilton tonight!"

Just as Alex opened his mouth to reply, Vanessa cut in.

"Would you like some food, sweetie?" she said, passing him a plate of delicious-looking beans and rice. He felt his chest tighten. He knew that he probably couldn't stomach more than a few bites, but he also didn't want to make Lin and Vanessa think that he didn't like the food. Reluctantly, Alex took the plate with a smile and ate a bite. It was absolutely amazing.

"So is it good?" Lin asked earnestly.

"Yes, sir. Its wonderful. The best I've had in years."

Lin laughed, then exclaimed, "Sir! I'm not sir, I'm Lin! Same goes for Vanessa."

Alex laughed nervously and continued eating. The food was so good that he didn't realize how much he had eaten until it was too late. Suddenly, nausea enveloped him. He knew this nausea was worse than any anxiety symptom, and the food wasn't going to stay down much longer. Covering his mouth, Alex leapt out of his chair and ran to the bathroom.

———

Both Lin and Vanessa jumped from their seats at the same time, which made Sebastian start crying.

"You calm Sebastian down, I'll handle this," Vanessa said, already on her way to the bathroom. God, if Lin didn't read through her allergy list he was so dead. She arrived at the bathroom to find Alex vomiting into the toilet.

"Alex, honey, what happened? Was it something you ate?" Vanessa questioned, placing a hand on Alex's back. She immediately flinched away from the touch.

Alex wiped her mouth with her sleeve and responded, "No, no it's not that. Well, kind of. I'm just— not used to the whole 'food' thing. My last placement didn't have much in that department." That one sentence filled Vanessa with sorrow and anger and pain. Who in their right mind would deny an innocent child food? What sick human being would make it so that a decent meal would cause the poor kid to puke all over her clothes? This was the moment in which she realized with absolute certainty that the foster system was very, very broken.

"I'm gonna go grab a new shirt for you. Why don't you go ask Lin for some Tums and Ginger Ale, that should help," Vanessa said kindly.

———

 _Oh no_. Alex just puked all over himself and the toilet in front of everyone, Lin probably thought he hated the food, and Vanessa was about to go get him some girly shirt. He couldn't just say no to the shirt, 'cause that would seem rude, and if he seemed rude, they would send him away, and if that happened, he would lose his only real shot at life, and if that happened— Alex stopped himself. _You're just paranoid_ , he tried to tell himself. But it was too late. His chest tightened; his hands felt sweaty and trembly. Negative, paranoid thoughts overwhelmed his brain; nothing and everything seemed to matter. The nausea returned, and all his only thoughts were, _They're gonna send me away again, I'm gonna lose my shot. I'll never be smart enough, I can't work hard enough_. Slowly, he staggered out of the bathroom, desperately trying to hide one of the biggest panic attacks he'd ever had.

Fortunately, Lin immediately recognized what was happening. He set down Sebastian and rushed to Alex's side. Alex's knees felt wobbly, and he fell to the ground.

Kneeling on one knee, Lin said calmly, "Alex, you need to breathe, okay? Breathe slowly. Let's count to ten, focus on your breathing. One, two, three—"

"Sp- Spanish," Alex interrupted.

"What's that?"

"Español. Háblame en español," Alex said with a strained voice. If somebody spoke to him in Spanish, it usually helped to calm him down.

"Bueno, sólo escuchar mi voz. Concéntrese en su respiración. Recuerde exhalar, ¿de acuerdo?" Lin soothed. It was working. The Spanish comforted him, reminded him of his mother. Slowly, Alex's breathing slowed. The overwhelming thoughts and sensations gradually drifted away.

"Thanks. I'm really sorry," was all he could manage to say as he wiped salty tears from his cheeks.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, you hear me? This is not your fault. None of this is your fault."

Right then, Vanessa walked back into the kitchen holding a T shirt.

"What happened?" she asked, seeing Alex on the floor and Lin kneeling in front of him. Alex figured he might as well be honest about what happened, even if he wasn't entirely truthful about why.

"Panic attack. I'm really sorry, I can usually calm myself down. Its just that with new placements, I sometimes get big ones, and this one was really big, and I– Oh no, I've made Sebastian cry again," he said, noticing the wails coming from the toddler's high chair.

Vanessa was already picking Sebastian up and rocking him. "It's okay, he cries at everything. It's not your fault. Here, I got you a shirt to change into," she said, tossing him the shirt. Alex held it up. Thankfully, it was black and a few sizes too big, but it was a V-neck. Reluctantly, he went to the bathroom to change.

After taking off his vomit-covered shirt, Alex looked at himself in the mirror for a few seconds. His binding was pretty tight today, which probably contributed to his difficulty breathing during the panic attack. He knew that ace bandages weren't the healthiest option, but he had no money for a real binder, and his chest was already small anyway. Alex's eyes drifted up to his face. His cheeks were sunken in, and dark circles hung below his chocolate eyes. His hair was uneven and jaw-length, since his last foster parents wouldn't allow him to cut it. Hopefully, that would soon change.

Then, suddenly sick of his own reflection, Alex quickly forced on the clean shirt and rushed out of the bathroom. He kept his arms folded across his chest in an attempt to hide the v-neck and the scars covering his wrists.

"You must be really tired," Vanessa said kindly, "and its getting late. I can take your dirty clothes and put them in the wash for you."

"Um, yeah, thanks," Alex replied, handing her his gross t-shirt and jacket. As he turned to head upstairs, he caught something in Lin's eye. As though Lin was noticing how visibly uncomfortable Alex was in the v-neck shirt. It was probably just his imagination.

He went upstairs and got ready for bed as fast as he could. He ripped of the v-neck and binding, shoving both to the bottom of the trash bag. He exchanged his jeans for some battered sweatpants, then collapsed into bed. Just as Alex was settling in, listening to some music, Lin knocked on his door.

"Can I come in?" he asked tentatively.

"Sure," Alex replied. _Has Lin figured it out? Does I know who I really am?_ Thoughts raced through his mind.

"I just wanted to tell you to get some rest. You aren't going to school tomorrow. We'll let you sleep in, then the two of us can go shopping for some clothes and school supplies. Vanessa's a lawyer, so she's gotta work."

 _Oh_. That was all. Oddly enough, he was kind of disappointed that Lin hadn't figured it out. After all, that would be way easier than working up the courage to actually tell him.

"Okay, thanks," Alex said in response.

"No problem. Goodnight, kid. If you need anything, I'm right downstairs."

"Goodnight. Don't forget to send out a goodnight tweet."

Lin laughed softly as Alex fell into another fitful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never expected this kind of feedback! Seriously, this is awesome. Your kudos and feedback keep me motivated to keep writing.
> 
> Also, if you have any suggestions for the story (or just writing tips), please comment them below. I want to incorporate some readers' ideas :)


	4. Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lin takes Alex clothes shopping. Things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has been crazy busy and my birthday was today. Sorry for not updating!

Once Alex and Sebastian were both safely in bed, Lin let out a breath he had been holding in all day. This was okay. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was possible. No matter what came their way, they would overcome it. He and Vanessa showered, brushed their teeth, and slipped under the covers of the king-sized bed.

"Lin?" Vanessa whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Please take Alex to a pediatrician tomorrow. I don't think anyone's ever had a doctor take a look at her," she said quietly.

"I already made the appointment," he assured her. For a reason unknown, Lin felt oddly uncomfortable when Vanessa referred to Alex as 'her', even though Alex hadn't yet made any objection to its usage. Contemplating this, he cuddled up next to Vanessa and drifted to sleep.

———

When Alex awoke, light was shining through the window. He had slept better than ever before in his life, despite a few nightmares. For the first time, he got out of bed without desperately wishing he could stay in it. He brushed his teeth, combed his curly, black hair (which might be getting cut today!), and pulled on a faded pair of jeans. He went to grab the ace bandages from under the sink but realized with disappointment that they were no longer there. Reluctantly, he dug through his trash bag and found yesterday's binding. The bandages were a little stretched out, so he had to pull it extra tight today. Finally, Alex threw on his only long-sleeved shirt (the jacket was in the wash), and skipped downstairs.

Lin greeted him with a smile, saying, "Hey Alex! You're looking much better today. Oh! I have your jacket right here. January can get pretty chilly."

 _Oh yeah._ It was January 12th. Alex's birthday was yesterday. Not that he cared or anything; it hadn't been celebrated since he was eight. Besides, he feared it might come across as rude to just be like, _Hey, my birthday was yesterday and I usually don't care that its not celebrated, but for some reason I really wish you guys had known!_

So he took the jacket and put it on, grateful for the extra layer.

"Vanessa already went to work, so you're stuck with me all day," Lin said, "I'm thinking that we go get some clothes and school supplies first. And then, unfortunately, we've gotta get you checked out by a doctor. But after that, we can do whatever you want."

 _Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit._ Alex had to go to a doctor today. They would see the malnutrition, the scars. The very thought filled him with anxiety. Lin must have noticed this, because he comforted him, "Don't worry. It won't take very long. And I promise we can do literally anything you want afterward."

That didn't really help at all, and he was now going to be worried about the appointment all day, but he did like the idea of being able to do anything afterwards.

"Can I maybe get a haircut after the doctor? That is, only if its okay with you. I don't think its been cut for at least a year," Alex asked tentatively. The truth was, he'd never even had a real haircut, but about a year ago the dysphoria became too much and he cut his hair off with a kitchen knife. It had since grown back to about his jaw.

"Sure thing," Lin replied with a smile.

Alex soon found out what it was like to walk around New York City with Lin-Manuel Miranda. They had first gone to Office Depot to get some school supplies, which had been fairly uneventful. But now Lin insisted on buying Alex clothing, despite his many protests.

"I wonder what life would be like if Hamilton hadn't been shot," Alex commented, attempting to make light conversation as they strolled down 5th Avenue. Instead of a reply, he heard squeals coming from behind him. He turned around to see Lin taking selfies with two ecstatic teen girls. Rather than being annoyed, Alex just laughed. He would have been acting exactly the same had he randomly met Lin on the street.

But by the fifth time they were stopped, Alex began to get a little annoyed.

"Is it always like this?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"Pretty much."

"Wow," was all Alex could manage to say.

Several (long) minutes later, they finally reached TopShop. TopShop, for the most part, sold androgynous clothes, but there was still a men's and women's section. After quite a bit of conversing with himself, Alex decided that he didn't want to risk another panic attack, so he would make up some lame excuse for wanting to shop in the men's section.

"I really don't need clothes, I already have plenty," he said in a last attempt to get out of this.

"Alex, you have like two pairs of jeans, a few shirts, and a jacket. You need more than that, especially in the winter," Lin replied. Alex thought he saw sadness in his eyes.

When the two entered the store, Alex was prepared to make a bad excuse about how he "didn't like the way women's clothes fit" or how "men's clothes were cheaper". Fortunately, this didn't come to pass.

Lin said, "You can get clothes from wherever you want. Men's, women's, doesn't matter to me, as long as you like the way it looks."

 _Phew_. Relief flooded through him. But another problem arose. If Lin was going out of his way to tell Alex that he could shop in the men's section, it meant that he might suspect he was trans. Nervously, Alex picked out a few items that he liked, all from the men's area. Nothing much, just another pair of jeans and two flannel shirts. He brought them over to Lin, who gave him an odd look after seeing the clothes. Alex was terrified that Lin was angry when he suddenly giggled, saying "Dude, you can get more than that. What about a jacket, or some pajamas?"

Alex's world slowed to a stop. _Dude_. One word. One word, said in a joking manner, changed everything. For a few seconds, he felt validated. He felt real. He felt like someone might actually see him for who he is. He felt, for just a moment, like things might really be okay. All because of one word.

"Hey, Alex. Alex, you in there?" Alex was pulled out of his daydream by Lin's hand waving in his face.

"Oh yeah, uh, sorry," he said, snapping out of it. They continued their shopping.

———

Lin watched Alex browse the clothes. To be honest, the kid looked a little overwhelmed. He doubted that Alex had ever been given the chance to buy decent clothes, which deeply saddened him. Lin also decided to use they/them pronouns for Alex for now, because he had become nearly convinced that Alex was not a girl. They didn't act feminine in any way: they talked like a guy, dressed like a guy, preferred "Alex" over "Alexandra", and became incredibly uncomfortable in a v-neck shirt. When Lin had said "dude" in a joking manner, Alex looked like they had just been handed a million dollars. But even so, Alex had not yet confirmed nor denied any pronouns they wanted to be used.

———

Alex's palms were sweating and his hands were shaking. He had survived clothes shopping (and actually emerged with some good clothes), but worse was yet to come. He and Lin were on their way to a doctor's appointment. He stared out the window of the car, trying to think positive thoughts. Needless to say, it wasn't working. Anxiety and fear enveloped him. His heart rate increased, and he became so dizzy that he could barely hear Lin's voice in the background.

"Alex, alex? Mijo, ¿qué pasa?" Lin's words pulled him out of the attack. _Mijo_. Son. Again, Spanish calmed him down.

Alex let his breathing slow for a second, then said, "Nothing. I'm good. Lo siento."

"No, mijo, you have nothing to be sorry for," Lin insisted. Once again, he said mijo. Suddenly, Alex could no longer bear the thought of Lin not knowing who he really was.

"You- you called me 'mijo'," Alex said. His heart was beating quickly again, but this time not because of a panic attack.

Lin's face grew worried. "Oh, sorry, would you rather me call you mija?"

"Um, no, actually, not really. I- uh- um, have something I wanted to talk to you about," he replied in a small voice, looking at his shoes. They were almost at the doctor's office, so he had to get this over with.

"You know you can tell me anything," Lin prompted.

  
"Okay, um," his voice became even smaller, "I'm trans. Like, I'm a guy, not a girl. Please don't send me away."

Lin gave him a small smile. "I would never, ever send you away because of something like that. I swear. And to be honest, I already sort of suspected. Just a guess, but that first panic attack wasn't just because of being in a new placement?"

Relief, joy, and every other good emotion flooded through Alex. He grinned ear to ear. "Yeah," he breathed.

"Oh! One more thing," Lin exclaimed, "I'm sure Sebastian will be very excited to have a foster-brother."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls tell me how I can make this chapter better.


	5. Doctor's Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has a visit to the doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise surprise! I haven't abandoned this fic. I just got out of school so I should be able to finish it.

Alex’s conversation with Lin almost made him forget where they were headed. Almost. As the taxi pulled up to the doctor’s office, Alex felt a lump form in his throat. Lin placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but it wasn’t much help. It’s not that Alex feared needles or having blood drawn. He had felt worse pain than that. It was the fact that he knew Lin was about to learn the true extent of his malnutrition, see all of his scars, his abuse. And for some reason, that scared the hell out of him.

The two walked inside. As the doors opened, Alex was immediately hit with the pungent scent of rubbing alcohol mixed and hand sanitizer. He nervously took a seat in the waiting area while Lin went to check him in.

 ---

Lin approached the check-in desk.

“Hi, I’m here to check in Alex Hamilton. I scheduled the appointment for 1:00.”

“Sure thing,” replied the lady at the desk. She typed for a moment, then spoke again, “Would that be Alexandra Hamilton?”

Lin cringed internally. “Yes. Is there anyway you could change that to just Alex Hamilton? No -andra?”

“Sorry, we have to have her full legal name in the system,” she apologized, still typing, “but I’ll put in a note that she prefers to just be called Alex.”

He tapped his fingers in frustration. “Great.”

Once Lin was done getting Alex checked in, he returned to where Alex was sitting and took the seat next to him.

 

\---

 

“Alex?” a nurse called. Alex and Lin stood in unison. By this point, Alex’s thoughts were no more than a haze of anxiety. They followed the nurse through several hallways, eventually reaching a scale and one of those height-measuring things.

“Take off your shoes please, I’m just gonna get your height and weight,” the nurse said kindly.

Alex reluctantly obliged. His hands shook as he peeled worn out tennis shoes and sweaty socks from his feet. First, his height was measured, which wasn’t terrible. He probably could be a bit taller, but his growth was stunted from malnutrition, so he was only five feet and four inches. Then, slowly, he stepped onto the scale. The screen shifted between several numbers before finally settling on 93.5 pounds. Alex was no math genius, but he knew that was really underweight for a kid his age and height. He looked over at Lin and saw utter sadness on his face.

After having his height and weight taken, it was time for the actual exam. They were led into a small room with a padded bed-like thing, two chairs, and a sink. The nurse closed the door behind them and sat on a rolling stool.

“Okay Alex, I’m just gonna ask you a few questions,” she said sweetly.

“First, what grade are you in?”

“Ninth”

“What school do you go to?”

Alex looked nervously at Lin. Two questions in and he didn’t know the answer.

“Randolph High School,” Lin cut in, answering the question for me. The nurse continued to ask standard questions for a few minutes, and Alex slowly relaxed. Until she asked one forsaken question.

“When did you last menstruate?”

 _Oh hell no_. Alex froze up, suddenly feeling very dysphoric.  He knew it was a standard question, but it still put him on the edge of another panic attack. Lin looked just as uncomfortable as Alex felt.

“Um, about five months ago,” Alex said, his voice shaking. That time of the month was super irregular and spaced out for him. He didn’t know why, but he also wasn’t complaining.

The nurse looked mildly concerned, but finished up the questions and left her notes on the desk for the doctor to take a look at.

Once the nurse had left, Lin turned to Alex and said, “I doubt you want me in here while the doctor does their thing, right?”

“Yeah, I’d rather do this alone,” he replied honestly.

“Sure thing.” Lin left the room while Alex stayed and waited for the doctor. He had to change into one of those dreadful gowns that barely covered anything. He didn’t want to risk leaving his binding on, so he hid it under his clothes. Maybe five or six minutes later, she knocked on the door and entered.

“Hey, I’m Dr. Hosack. You must be Alexandra.”

 _Ouch_. She must not have gotten the memo to call him Alex. But the haze of anxiety had grown into a thunderous cloud, and he couldn’t even muster up the courage to ask to just be called Alex.

“So, we're just doing a basic physical today. Should be pretty quick,” Dr. Hosack said cheerfully, but as she read Alex’s chart, her expression darkened.

“So, I understand you’re in the foster system. How many different placements have you had?” she asked, already placing a stethoscope on Alex’s back.

“Fourteen,” he replied between uncomfortable breaths. Dr. Hosack seemed concerned. Whether it was from his breaths or his reply, Alex didn’t know. She continued moving the stethoscope around. Alex paid careful attention to keeping his inner wrists turned down. Now that he thought about it, his breathing was a bit strained.

“Lay on your back for me, I’m going to examine your stomach.”

 _Oh no_. Alex reluctantly laid on his back. She began lightly pressing near his ribs, which caused an immense amount of pain for something so light. Alex tried to conceal his pain to no avail.

“Does that hurt?”

“Just a little.”

“Okay, Alexandra, I’m gonna get you a chest x-ray. Your breath sounds are uneven and it hurt to press your ribs. I know you’re in the foster system, which would explain the bruises everywhere, but the breathing doesn’t make much sense. How long have you been having trouble breathing for?” Dr. Hosack asked with genuine concern. Every instinct Alex had told him to put his guard up, to close himself off, to avoid the next beating. But he forced himself to answer honestly. Maybe, just maybe, he could begin a better life.

“I… I didn’t really notice it until today. I was usually dealing with worse pain. But, um, I guess it would have started when I started binding my chest. With ace bandages,” Alex choked out, on the verge of tears.

He saw the realization happen on the doctor’s face. Fear filled his bones.

“Ah. You’re going to have to stop doing that, okay Alex? It’s causing damage to your lungs and ribs. Now let’s go get your chest x-ray.”

Alex was dumbfounded. Not only had Dr. Hosack not been rude, but she also went out of her way to call him “Alex” instead of his birth name.

 

\---

 

The doctor and Alex emerged from the exam room. Alex was still wearing the gown and seemed anxious, while Dr. Hosack seemed concerned.

“So, it seems that Alex has some bruising on his ribs and some lung damage. If he stops binding his chest with ace bandages, it should eventually heal on its own, but I’d like to get a chest x-ray to make sure I don’t miss any further damage,” the doctor said matter-of-factly. _Woah_. Alex’s doctor was using the right pronouns, Alex was binding with ace bandages, and he needs an x-ray. Lin looked at Alex, who gazed back with pleading eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, of course, do whatever you need to do. And I’ll definitely be buying him a proper binder,” Lin replied.

Dr. Hosack nodded and led a suddenly hopeful Alex towards the x-rays.

 

\---

 

Fortunately, there wasn’t any damage so extensive that it couldn’t heal on its own. Unfortunately, Alex had to go a week without binding and he had nearly had a panic attack at least twenty times in the past hour. Still, he would be getting an _actual, real, working binder_ , which made it all worth it. He left the doctor’s office with Lin feeling slightly more hopeful about life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't hate me for waiting seven months to update lmao. Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter, and please suggest things for me to incorporate into the story!


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